Traveling Tales of Suck (in Denver)

What is it about airplanes and traveling that makes kids (and parents) go bazerko?

We just go back last night from spending 10 days in Austin with my family, soaking up the hideous record breaking 105 degree weather and many naked (the kids, not us) hours in my parents' front yard drenched by the sprinkler and shriveled in the kiddie pool, but its the hours stuck on the plane that always seem to be the true story tellers. The moments that make living so far away seem stupid and the memories that then make me laugh so hard I pee myself.

On the way down to Austin we got stuck on the tarmac in Denver for an hour and a half prior to taking off due to high wind sheers. Bo was excellent, mesmerized by anything and everything having to do with the airplane and all the games on his itouch, but Sam was a wreck.

Over tired and sick of traveling (left Fairbanks 11 hours earlier), he was done. Sitting still was definitely not on his priority list anymore and apparently the diligence of watching my kids that I started the trip with so many hours earlier no longer was on mine either.

You know when you hear from the woman sitting in the middle seat of the row in front of you, "Um, Ma'am, your son is up here," that all tact has been lost in kid control. Sam had somehow, without me noticing (how is that even possible when we are sandwiched in to a 4 foot by 2 foot wedge of an airplane row), crawled under the seat in front of us and popped out like a jack-in-the box at the lady's feet?! Ta-dah!! He was so proud, standing there facing her with his ear to ear grin and snot running down to his lips. The lady, however, was unimpressed and annoyed. I was mortified and busted out the Benadryl.

A few minutes later I was trying to explain to Bo that it was going to be bumpy when we took off so we needed to make sure his seat belt was on tight and without missing a beat says, "No Mommy, airplanes can't be bumpy; their aren't rocks in the air."

And a few minutes after that I got yelled at by the shit head of a flight attendant on a power trip for getting up to use the bathroom. Something about being on an active taxi way and it being entirely too dangerous for me to be up out of my seat.

Hello! For one, I'm 7 months pregnant, and for two, how the hell is it an "active" taxi way when the whole reason why we are stuck in this sardine tube without food or water (great customer service, by the way, United. You suck) is because the entire airport is temporarily closed.

Look around, ass hole, there's nothing active going on here except for the baby doing jazzercise on my bladder and the can of whoop ass I'm about to unveil on your skinny ass if you don't let me pee. (If only I was ballsy enough to say that to his face! That would have been awesome! But instead I sunk back in my seat and cried with exhaustion. Or was I peeing out of my eyes? I'm still not sure.)

And to cap off the wonderful Denver to Austin flight, we somehow managed to leave Bo's itouch on the plane. Superb. Great. Excellent. There goes $300 (and my sanity).

All I know is our family better be glad we love them as much as we do, because in the end, all the turmoil and stress and bloody lips (oh yeah, did I forget to mention that Sam whacked me with his sippy cup so hard coming home he gave me a fat bloody lip) is worth it if it means we get to hang out with the people who mean the most to us.

I love you guys, but it's your turn to come see us.